To look into life's problems and find solutions is a very hard thing. I have undergone that in my life. Isolation and being lonely in this lovely world of beautiful relationships is a hard thing to accept. But it was too late when I understood what has happened to me and my people around me. One fine evening when I was discussing with a young fellow about the aspects of life, I got a chance to tell what actually is the way to have an enduring relationship.
Seeker : Anna, I am having a tight problem. I often fail in relationships. I am talking about all kind of relationships. Like the one with my parents, friends, my lover etc., Almost all of this ends in a kind of conflict. I feel too isolated and that no one understands me. I don't know whether it is my fault or their fault. What do I have to do?
A.V.R. : Have you ever asked this question to yourself?
"What do I have to do?" to yourself.
If yes you would have found the answer yourself. Think about the problem once again. Are you feeling isolated because no understands you or else you don't understand any one? These are two different ways of interrogating yourself the problem put forth.
I always believe a conflict in a relationship will start from one self. Do you agree?
Seeker : How could that be anna. I am true to them.
A.V.R. : Being true always cannot be the cause of understanding. Sometimes that itself would create a conflict. Let's discuss it deeply. What are you exactly expecting from the word or concept called 'understanding' in a relationship? Is it not a recognition, you expect out of it. What a petty human mind always feel is "I do a deed, say loving you, in return you have to accept it and acknowledge it by any way of action". Isn't it?
We are doing that from the child hood, right from the day we born as babies. Would you ever have agreed if your mother didn't smiled at you, when you see her the very first time. Aha.. there won't be this kind of rational thinking in that first moment. Still how you have recognized her as someone or something? Think about it virtually. Why do we want to caress babies, play with them, make them smile or happy always. Doesn't it mean "I recognize you, my baby"? Right? We expect this kind of recognition always in life. When there is a cessation of this recognition, likely we end up in conflicts. It is not the sincerety and honesty alone, but how you are recognized. So doesn't understanding means this recognition.
Seeker: Oh. I have never thought in that way, anna, actually. As humans we never used to that word.
A.V.R. : But it is the truth. Say if your girl friend don't recognize you with your warmth of love, will that love be enduring? But in one or other way if we put it around, the recognition of the warmth of love actually leads to expectation of more of the warmth of love, when it ceases or reduces in its level, then conflicts or quarrels in relationship starts. Am I right?
Then if she expect it as I say, you also have the same expectation, same need of recognition in one other manner, when there is a kind of punctuation in it, you are delivering the words "Isolation", "Not understood" etc.
Seeker : But the understanding is with the thought patterns no, anna.
A.V.R. : What you call as thought pattern. I know you, I know you better, So, I fell in love with you - all these ideas, vague ideas of the past from what you know about him or her. All of it ascertains your mind that you are a match for her or she is a match for you. The knowledge of this past becomes the thought patterns. As you called it understanding of the past image of her. But when it comes to reality, an individual changes every moment. The so called thought patterns changes. Then how could you expect same kind of understanding. Do you understand?
I will put it so simple. The ideas of past and illusions of future will not do any good for you. Never. These are called "Thought patterns", but the reality is the real you or real her. When she cannot accept you in the same way as in your true self, you are isolated, your mind now ascertains with a thought pattern that, "Beware, my little fella, she is deviating from her ways. She is not the same old she", right, is it not happening?
I question how could be a person be the same as he or she is now. Mind adapts always different thought patterns bound to time. Newer the time, Newer the influenced forces then become Newer the thoughts, are we not calling it as maturity.
Seeker : So do you say maturity of mind leads to conflicts?
A.V.R. : Understand it properly. A fully matured mind will accept the reality. The reality that this moment is not the same as the past moment. Then it would actually recognize the real you. In turn if you have the same mature mind, you will recognize, the true - that somebody. Then, at a point, where these both are mutual, where in the world comes the question of understanding and isolation?
Seeker : So what are you deriving at exactly?
A.V.R. :To be understood, in your truest sense, you have to understand the counterpart truly. It is obvious that when you seek a kind of recognition, surely as an individual he or she may also seek that same recognition; in any form. If it is loving back you expect, though love is un conditional, the true fact, is we as human need that recognition, in a way.
If you want someone to say " I love you truly and sincerely", then recognize what exactly that some one needs as recognition of it. Do that. Is that the same true and sincere love or something else, do that. If there is a conflict of it in the beginning itself, like, "I don't want your love" from that some one, then you are surely going to be isolated. Beware.
Seeker : Yes Anna. I am clear somewhat now. To be understood, I have to understand them clearly. Right ?
A.V.R. : Say it as the Truest sense, as i would like to call it. Accept and recognize them as really they are now. Recognize them. Give them what they require for you will get it back. That is the universal law as a matter of fact. Then there would not be a question of conflict of relationship, any kind of relationship and ending of it. Will there be any of that sort?
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